There are No Words

This month, my adopted son was officially adopted into our family. We drove to the city where he was born, went to court and watched the judge sign the papers. We were also given an opportunity to say a few words, but how can I describe these feelings without tears stopping my voice? How do I put the right word on what we have gone through in this adoption process?

There were fears as we thought about people coming to our home for the home study, grace when we knew that adoption was God's plan for us, shaking hands as we made that first phone call to the adoption agency, disbelief at the amount of paperwork, excitement with every email we received when birthmoms were looking for families, immense sadness when we weren't chosen, doubt as our wait stretched over two years, and head-spinning joy when we were selected and placed with a child within a week.

Then a whole new level of emotions emerged compounded with sleepless nights, which makes everything feel magnified: doubt in myself for adopting, frustrations with the birthmom, grieving over the freedoms I've lost, that warm feeling when the baby pees on you, cuddly softness and happiness from baby giggles, the pinch in the pocketbook from diapers and formula and that grip in the heart when I see my older children loving their new brother.

So...what is the word for that? The search for that word has been so great that I haven't been writing as much (as you can see from the last posting date) because I have felt too raw to say much of anything. Who am I to be chosen to parent these beautiful children? Why had God blessed me so after all the terrible things I have done? (Humble pie, served daily)

My husband didn't want that moment in the court room (when we were offered time to say what we felt) to go by without anything being said. "This has been... just wonderful." And then the tears came flooding from every eye in that courtroom. His words were not profound in literary beauty, but they do perfectly summarize the ups and downs we've ridden on the adoption roller coaster. Wonderful!