Pain from Sin

It's been a few days - a week actually - since I've posted anything, and it just came to me as to why. I've been sick. Not 'fever' sick or congestion or anything like that, but just sick. My stomach has been in knots. I've felt nauseous. Foods have tasted funny. You know - sick.

But why? I've been working through a bible study called 'Surrendering the Secret'. It's for working through the trauma of being a post-abortive mother. Yes, that's me. For years I've carried around the burden of knowing that I refused one of the greatest gifts God has to offer - motherhood. I was afraid, scared, in a bad situtation, and I didn't see any other way out. I was capable, but weak. I was ashamed. I succumbed to the lies of the Evil One.

But I did try a little. Friends of mine found themselves in the same situation a few years before. They went to a clinic and were counseled about the truth of abortion - as a result, they chose life. I was too weak to make that choice alone, so I called a clinic and set up an appointment, thinking that I would be counseled, that my boyfriend would hear the truths and change his mind. I wanted to change my mind too, but I needed someone to help me do that. What I discovered was that not all clinics counsel you. Not all clinics show you the ultrasound or tell you how far along you are. I cried through the entire procedure, all the way home, and for months...and years afterwards. I had lost a child, lost an opportunity, lost my soul. I had sinned the greatest sin. How would I ever find redemption? Salvation felt out of reach. I was unworthy and unlovable.

I resigned to accept my fate. I had chosen abortion - my child died. I wasn't allowed to mourn for that loss because it had been my doing. The pieces of my soul dripped away from me and I became less like myself...less of what God intended for me.

But God is beyond all those things.

Over the years, God has persisted to convince me that He loves me. He set my husband in my life - who knows my secret and married me anyway. He has placed other post-abortive mothers in my life and together we have mourned our losses. The 'Surrendering the Secret' bible study is the culminating event for me. I've worked through much of my pain - or so I thought. But as I go through the pages of this study, I realized that there is more to heal, more scars that I didn't see before.

And as I worked through the pages, I became physically ill. I've been holding onto my grief like a security blanket. But it's time for me to move on. And so I say, "Good-bye, Grief. Take that, Despair! Here I come, Redemption!!!"

The joy I feel is unlike anything I've experienced. It was born on sin and raised on shame, but has finally been released to the God of All. He has made my tears of sorrows into diamonds of His good works. Through God, all things are possible. I never fully understood that before, but He has turned my pain into a mission through which I might be able to connect with other women like me; suffering under the burden of sin and shame. If you are a post-abortive mother like me, come out from under that shadow! Join me in God's light. It's scary and painful but wonderful. We need to go through the labor of birthing the pain of our abortion and we need good friends and husbands to coach us through.

If you share the same past as me, know that I am praying for you. Know that God loves you and wants you to come home to Him. He's waiting! Why are you?