I made it! This fall was one of the busiest times in my life. Between homeschooling and writing, I was a co-leader of a bible study, was the Spiritual Director for the Christ Renews His Parish team at my church, and have attended a weekly study on Esther by Beth Moore. I thought I would be exhausted, and physically I am, but spiritually, I'm on the biggest caffiene rush!
Without a doubt, God intended to overload my schedule this fall with Him. I've read the bible daily, I've studied His Word, I've prayed with friends, over friends and because of friends. I have dissected verses with Beth Moore and uncovered a greater understanding of what my life is intended for. (yes, I know I ended that sentence in a preposition...)
But God isn't finished with me yet. Tonight is the last night of my Surrender the Secret bible study. Eight weeks to a free-er me! [sigh] Feels great!
In the last section of the bible study, there is a excerpt from Isaiah that I want to share with you. Perhaps it will mean something to you, maybe you will find the answer to a nagging question. All I know is that it spoke directly to me and I knew immediately that I needed to share it with you.
Isaiah 61:1-3
The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.
Now read it again, but this time put your name in where is reads, "me".
The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.
Is God speaking to you?
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Supplies
I finally have ink for my printer. Black ink and color ink. For the last several months (and I don't think I'm exaggerating if I estimate 6 months) I have been low on ink. Black was the first to go. My papers became colorful because all I had left was the color ink. It was fun to print in red and blue and green. But last week, even the pink ink faded into nothing.
Sigh.
And now that my husband needs to print something - we have ink. (go ahead, laugh.) No surprise, the ink shortage caused me to think...about ink, in a sink with the pink drink. (sorry.)
Years ago, ink cartridges were not a necessity. Computers were massive structures in clean rooms and a heavy hum. If you had said the word "internet", people would assume you were talking about hairspray. But now my life is complicated by the very things that are supposed to make life easier. If I can't 'get on-line', I can't work. When my cell phone battery dies, I'm virtually stranded. Texting, scanners, printers, ATMs, touch-screen phones, credit cards, HDTV...and on, and on...
Modern technology has created an entirely new list of "necessary supplies". In that scramble to have the latest and greatest, are we leaving out the original GREATEST? Do you have the daily bible verse application for your iphone (I'm not even sure there is one, but with so many useless apps, why wouldn't there be one that could actually be of great importance)?
So what am I getting at here? Life is complicated. It always has been, but it seems more so now. With instant messaging from friends, we are missing the instant messages from God. My email delivers wonderful jokes and communications, but it's the on-my-knees-mail that really makes my day.
And so I'm signing off for the day. I realize what a contradiction I am right now - typing on the computer, on the internet, posting to my blog about the distractions of the modern age. Good-bye and God Bless for now! I'm going to light a few candles, grab my bible and get back to just the essentials!
Sigh.
And now that my husband needs to print something - we have ink. (go ahead, laugh.) No surprise, the ink shortage caused me to think...about ink, in a sink with the pink drink. (sorry.)
Years ago, ink cartridges were not a necessity. Computers were massive structures in clean rooms and a heavy hum. If you had said the word "internet", people would assume you were talking about hairspray. But now my life is complicated by the very things that are supposed to make life easier. If I can't 'get on-line', I can't work. When my cell phone battery dies, I'm virtually stranded. Texting, scanners, printers, ATMs, touch-screen phones, credit cards, HDTV...and on, and on...
Modern technology has created an entirely new list of "necessary supplies". In that scramble to have the latest and greatest, are we leaving out the original GREATEST? Do you have the daily bible verse application for your iphone (I'm not even sure there is one, but with so many useless apps, why wouldn't there be one that could actually be of great importance)?
So what am I getting at here? Life is complicated. It always has been, but it seems more so now. With instant messaging from friends, we are missing the instant messages from God. My email delivers wonderful jokes and communications, but it's the on-my-knees-mail that really makes my day.
And so I'm signing off for the day. I realize what a contradiction I am right now - typing on the computer, on the internet, posting to my blog about the distractions of the modern age. Good-bye and God Bless for now! I'm going to light a few candles, grab my bible and get back to just the essentials!
Monday, October 19, 2009
NOT Alone!
There are some tasks that need to be done here at the house that I just can’t do alone. The basement floor needs to be painted, but there are too many spiders down there and I don’t want to be the one to move everything out of the way. The bathroom needs new bath fixtures, but that is beyond my skills and I’ll need to learn from someone how to do that. The carpet needs to be cleaned, but I lack the equipment. And putting up the shelves in the basement will need more than two hands. It takes longer to check these chores off the to-do list because I need to arrange time that works with my husband’s schedule so we can both be here at the same time and with our minds set to the same task.
Somewhere along the line, the human race decided that needing help was a sign of weakness. Sure, there are some examples that are displays of weakness, things that we can do but are too lazy to do.
But being independent is different from being strong. I can independently prepare dinner, but I prefer to do it in the company of my children or my husband (but not all at once, my kitchen is too small). I can independently clean my house, but I prefer the help and speed of having the help of my entire family (house is too big). I can independently mourn the loss of a parent, but I don’t want to. I want the help of my family to plan the details, to support me (and I them), to share in the joy of the memories and the loss of a loved one.
Too often we try to put on a brave face and go it alone. Women try to balance all the duties of motherhood in one hand and be a good wife in the other, while tip-toeing over the hot coals of friendships, volunteer duty, or a career. Men try to be strong for their families, not showing weakness, to prevent their families from suffering.
‘Brave faces’ and ‘going-it-alone’ are recipes for disaster. Sometimes all you need is to speak your frustrations to a trust-worthy friend. As soon as we have talked through the issue, it’s not so bad. In giving our struggles words, we reduce them in intensity, we make them less scary, we give up a portion of our pain to God and He carries us. We were not created to be alone. God gave Adam all the animals in creation and Eve; “blood of my blood and flesh of my flesh”. We are the blood and flesh of Adam and Eve and we were created to go through the valley of the shadow of death together. The other side of that valley is even more beautiful when we have someone to share it with. Just like we celebrate our accomplishments with friends and family, we should also share our struggles and pain.
“Laying aside falsehood, speak the truth each of you with his neighbor, for we are all members of one another.” Ephesians 4:25
For years, I hid my pain away deep within my soul. I didn’t want to reveal the ‘evil’ side of me. I didn’t want people to know I was flawed. I was afraid that if people knew what sins I had committed, they would walk away from me. I feared being alone, so I remained alone in my sin. Ironic? There’s more! God told me to confess my sins, that all would be well with my soul. And I doubted Him. I worried so greatly for other people’s opinion of me that I tucked pieces of me away so no one would see. There were only two people in my life who knew the real me – the real secret – and I feared that one day they would suddenly change their mind about me and leave.
That has never happened. In fourteen years, only one person cast a stone at me. One. Out of the hundreds of people I have met and the dozens of friends I have made. One, out of the handful of people that really matter to me. That one person’s denial of forgiveness controlled me. One person! My salvation came when I finally accepted the forgiveness and new life from my One God.
I know what you’re thinking! “Duh! why didn’t you listen to God in the first place?” The answer? Well, to be honest, He’s a little mysterious! I hear His voice all the time now, but there was a phase of my life when I forgot to listen. I allowed the things before my eyes and the items my hands touched to be my gods. Words and opinions ruled my actions. Movies, television, and magazines were my gospels. And where did that lead? Hell. The saying, “Look for the good and you will find it”? That goes for God as well. He is always here, always present, we just need to open our eyes and see it for ourselves.
There were many turning points; I did a gradual fifteen point turn to face my God and accept His love. But, boy! Now that I’m facing him, I’m penitent. I’m on my knees with my face aglow in His love. I’m not alone! I’m in the presence of the greatest God, in the company of His children, surrounded by the gifts of His love. I’ve shared my greatest sorrow to learn that I’m not alone. I embrace all my sisters in sorrow and invite them to become sisters of salvation! Sisters of Grace! Sisters of Joy!
“Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God.” Hebrews 12:15
Like all the chores that need to be done at the house, I lack the motivation, the knowledge, the equipment, or the extra set of hands to do it all well and quickly. But my Christian community is there for me. Somewhere in my circle of Christian Friends, there is someone with the know-how, the tool, the listening ear and the hug that will get me past the trial.
Somewhere along the line, the human race decided that needing help was a sign of weakness. Sure, there are some examples that are displays of weakness, things that we can do but are too lazy to do.
But being independent is different from being strong. I can independently prepare dinner, but I prefer to do it in the company of my children or my husband (but not all at once, my kitchen is too small). I can independently clean my house, but I prefer the help and speed of having the help of my entire family (house is too big). I can independently mourn the loss of a parent, but I don’t want to. I want the help of my family to plan the details, to support me (and I them), to share in the joy of the memories and the loss of a loved one.
Too often we try to put on a brave face and go it alone. Women try to balance all the duties of motherhood in one hand and be a good wife in the other, while tip-toeing over the hot coals of friendships, volunteer duty, or a career. Men try to be strong for their families, not showing weakness, to prevent their families from suffering.
‘Brave faces’ and ‘going-it-alone’ are recipes for disaster. Sometimes all you need is to speak your frustrations to a trust-worthy friend. As soon as we have talked through the issue, it’s not so bad. In giving our struggles words, we reduce them in intensity, we make them less scary, we give up a portion of our pain to God and He carries us. We were not created to be alone. God gave Adam all the animals in creation and Eve; “blood of my blood and flesh of my flesh”. We are the blood and flesh of Adam and Eve and we were created to go through the valley of the shadow of death together. The other side of that valley is even more beautiful when we have someone to share it with. Just like we celebrate our accomplishments with friends and family, we should also share our struggles and pain.
“Laying aside falsehood, speak the truth each of you with his neighbor, for we are all members of one another.” Ephesians 4:25
For years, I hid my pain away deep within my soul. I didn’t want to reveal the ‘evil’ side of me. I didn’t want people to know I was flawed. I was afraid that if people knew what sins I had committed, they would walk away from me. I feared being alone, so I remained alone in my sin. Ironic? There’s more! God told me to confess my sins, that all would be well with my soul. And I doubted Him. I worried so greatly for other people’s opinion of me that I tucked pieces of me away so no one would see. There were only two people in my life who knew the real me – the real secret – and I feared that one day they would suddenly change their mind about me and leave.
That has never happened. In fourteen years, only one person cast a stone at me. One. Out of the hundreds of people I have met and the dozens of friends I have made. One, out of the handful of people that really matter to me. That one person’s denial of forgiveness controlled me. One person! My salvation came when I finally accepted the forgiveness and new life from my One God.
I know what you’re thinking! “Duh! why didn’t you listen to God in the first place?” The answer? Well, to be honest, He’s a little mysterious! I hear His voice all the time now, but there was a phase of my life when I forgot to listen. I allowed the things before my eyes and the items my hands touched to be my gods. Words and opinions ruled my actions. Movies, television, and magazines were my gospels. And where did that lead? Hell. The saying, “Look for the good and you will find it”? That goes for God as well. He is always here, always present, we just need to open our eyes and see it for ourselves.
There were many turning points; I did a gradual fifteen point turn to face my God and accept His love. But, boy! Now that I’m facing him, I’m penitent. I’m on my knees with my face aglow in His love. I’m not alone! I’m in the presence of the greatest God, in the company of His children, surrounded by the gifts of His love. I’ve shared my greatest sorrow to learn that I’m not alone. I embrace all my sisters in sorrow and invite them to become sisters of salvation! Sisters of Grace! Sisters of Joy!
“Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God.” Hebrews 12:15
Like all the chores that need to be done at the house, I lack the motivation, the knowledge, the equipment, or the extra set of hands to do it all well and quickly. But my Christian community is there for me. Somewhere in my circle of Christian Friends, there is someone with the know-how, the tool, the listening ear and the hug that will get me past the trial.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Spider Webs
We had our retreat this weekend. It wasn’t what women were looking for, but I do believe it was what they needed. Just like the books and movies that I continue to think about long after ‘The End’, the Christ Renews His Parish is staying with me. I keep thinking about my team and how we have grown stronger in our faith. I keep thinking about the women who came.
It occurred to me today that the retreat is like a spider web.
Picture a spider web with its fine lines and intricate patterns. It’s a beautiful work of art, a product of nature that is unequal to anything; no other animals or insect can create anything like it. Many animals create nests and burrows and the like, but spiders create the substance that makes the web and they have the innate knowledge that allows them to construct the webs.
I think the starburst web in the early mornings in spring are the most beautiful. The sun catches the tiny drops of dew and rainbows twinkle in the little globes of water. But the beauty turns to skin-crawling fear when the second thought enters my mind – “Where is the spider?”
It amazes me that such a creepy creature can make such a beautiful web – a web so beautiful that even God adds to it with the dew to make it sparkle! A few summers ago, a spider chose a window in our family as the location for her web. Luckily for me and the spider, she was outside. It was such a privilege to spend the day with her. She sat on her web and I sat at my desk on the other side of the window and we watched each other. She was amazingly graceful and careful as she made daily repairs on her web. Her long, slender legs moved with the ease and beauty of a prima ballerina. Despite her grace, her form still sends chills up my spine. I could never hold her in my hand, but I did miss her the day she left my window.
The retreat is the same – the spine-tingling stories that women share about their lives; stories of loss, tragedy, poor choices, pain and suffering – all turn to beauty through their acceptance of God’s love for them. The stories become windows to the reality of God’s love for us. Like a spider web, His beautiful bounty catches us like dew on its threads. God’s web extends the length of the world, glistening in the natural world, shining in the light of His Son’s sacrifice, for all of us.
Maybe we are the spiders, using what God has given us to weave a vast design that is only seen in its entirety at a distance. Hmmmm…
It occurred to me today that the retreat is like a spider web.
Picture a spider web with its fine lines and intricate patterns. It’s a beautiful work of art, a product of nature that is unequal to anything; no other animals or insect can create anything like it. Many animals create nests and burrows and the like, but spiders create the substance that makes the web and they have the innate knowledge that allows them to construct the webs.
I think the starburst web in the early mornings in spring are the most beautiful. The sun catches the tiny drops of dew and rainbows twinkle in the little globes of water. But the beauty turns to skin-crawling fear when the second thought enters my mind – “Where is the spider?”
It amazes me that such a creepy creature can make such a beautiful web – a web so beautiful that even God adds to it with the dew to make it sparkle! A few summers ago, a spider chose a window in our family as the location for her web. Luckily for me and the spider, she was outside. It was such a privilege to spend the day with her. She sat on her web and I sat at my desk on the other side of the window and we watched each other. She was amazingly graceful and careful as she made daily repairs on her web. Her long, slender legs moved with the ease and beauty of a prima ballerina. Despite her grace, her form still sends chills up my spine. I could never hold her in my hand, but I did miss her the day she left my window.
The retreat is the same – the spine-tingling stories that women share about their lives; stories of loss, tragedy, poor choices, pain and suffering – all turn to beauty through their acceptance of God’s love for them. The stories become windows to the reality of God’s love for us. Like a spider web, His beautiful bounty catches us like dew on its threads. God’s web extends the length of the world, glistening in the natural world, shining in the light of His Son’s sacrifice, for all of us.
Maybe we are the spiders, using what God has given us to weave a vast design that is only seen in its entirety at a distance. Hmmmm…
Friday, October 16, 2009
Retreat! Retreat!
The weekend is here and I have only a few hours left to do the last minute details, a few more trips to the store, and pack up the kids and myself. But then....ah! I will retreat.
Not the battle cry of a defeated army - but the call of God to come and rest and hear his Word. Retreat back to the simple things. Relinquish your cell phone, your watch, and listen to what's important.
My posts for this blog have fallen from my list of priorities not because I haven't been thinking about it, but because I haven't been able to scratch out the time. I don't watch much TV, I read too much, and I homeschool my children. Despite my mental efforts not feel overwhelmed by this retreat weekend, it's impossible to do that completely. I have not lost my patience, I've been overjoyed with the news of each individual who has decided to attend - all of which has happened in the last week!
The last retreat was for me and my team of sisters. We showed up, were pampered, and left renewed. This time it is our turn to serve. But I will not be worn down by that service. Christ is my example, he gave and gave to his followers, but reserved time for himself in quiet prayer. What a beautiful role model.
My prayer for this weekend:
Lord, I pray that you keep my team of sister healthy and relaxed this weekend, so we are ready to meet any obstacle head on with a positive feel in our heart. I pray that all the women who have signed up are met by you right at the door; that you calm any anxieties, quell any nerves, speak to them in words they will hear and understand.
I ask the Holy Spirit to surround us with a shield from the outside influences - negativity, germs, scheduling conflicts - anything that will come between them and Renewal. Lord, you know why you have sent each of these women. Help us to met their needs, to speak the words you want us to, to reach them in a loving way.
I pray this in Your Name!
Not the battle cry of a defeated army - but the call of God to come and rest and hear his Word. Retreat back to the simple things. Relinquish your cell phone, your watch, and listen to what's important.
My posts for this blog have fallen from my list of priorities not because I haven't been thinking about it, but because I haven't been able to scratch out the time. I don't watch much TV, I read too much, and I homeschool my children. Despite my mental efforts not feel overwhelmed by this retreat weekend, it's impossible to do that completely. I have not lost my patience, I've been overjoyed with the news of each individual who has decided to attend - all of which has happened in the last week!
The last retreat was for me and my team of sisters. We showed up, were pampered, and left renewed. This time it is our turn to serve. But I will not be worn down by that service. Christ is my example, he gave and gave to his followers, but reserved time for himself in quiet prayer. What a beautiful role model.
My prayer for this weekend:
Lord, I pray that you keep my team of sister healthy and relaxed this weekend, so we are ready to meet any obstacle head on with a positive feel in our heart. I pray that all the women who have signed up are met by you right at the door; that you calm any anxieties, quell any nerves, speak to them in words they will hear and understand.
I ask the Holy Spirit to surround us with a shield from the outside influences - negativity, germs, scheduling conflicts - anything that will come between them and Renewal. Lord, you know why you have sent each of these women. Help us to met their needs, to speak the words you want us to, to reach them in a loving way.
I pray this in Your Name!
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Pain from Sin
It's been a few days - a week actually - since I've posted anything, and it just came to me as to why. I've been sick. Not 'fever' sick or congestion or anything like that, but just sick. My stomach has been in knots. I've felt nauseous. Foods have tasted funny. You know - sick.
But why? I've been working through a bible study called 'Surrendering the Secret'. It's for working through the trauma of being a post-abortive mother. Yes, that's me. For years I've carried around the burden of knowing that I refused one of the greatest gifts God has to offer - motherhood. I was afraid, scared, in a bad situtation, and I didn't see any other way out. I was capable, but weak. I was ashamed. I succumbed to the lies of the Evil One.
But I did try a little. Friends of mine found themselves in the same situation a few years before. They went to a clinic and were counseled about the truth of abortion - as a result, they chose life. I was too weak to make that choice alone, so I called a clinic and set up an appointment, thinking that I would be counseled, that my boyfriend would hear the truths and change his mind. I wanted to change my mind too, but I needed someone to help me do that. What I discovered was that not all clinics counsel you. Not all clinics show you the ultrasound or tell you how far along you are. I cried through the entire procedure, all the way home, and for months...and years afterwards. I had lost a child, lost an opportunity, lost my soul. I had sinned the greatest sin. How would I ever find redemption? Salvation felt out of reach. I was unworthy and unlovable.
I resigned to accept my fate. I had chosen abortion - my child died. I wasn't allowed to mourn for that loss because it had been my doing. The pieces of my soul dripped away from me and I became less like myself...less of what God intended for me.
But God is beyond all those things.
Over the years, God has persisted to convince me that He loves me. He set my husband in my life - who knows my secret and married me anyway. He has placed other post-abortive mothers in my life and together we have mourned our losses. The 'Surrendering the Secret' bible study is the culminating event for me. I've worked through much of my pain - or so I thought. But as I go through the pages of this study, I realized that there is more to heal, more scars that I didn't see before.
And as I worked through the pages, I became physically ill. I've been holding onto my grief like a security blanket. But it's time for me to move on. And so I say, "Good-bye, Grief. Take that, Despair! Here I come, Redemption!!!"
The joy I feel is unlike anything I've experienced. It was born on sin and raised on shame, but has finally been released to the God of All. He has made my tears of sorrows into diamonds of His good works. Through God, all things are possible. I never fully understood that before, but He has turned my pain into a mission through which I might be able to connect with other women like me; suffering under the burden of sin and shame. If you are a post-abortive mother like me, come out from under that shadow! Join me in God's light. It's scary and painful but wonderful. We need to go through the labor of birthing the pain of our abortion and we need good friends and husbands to coach us through.
If you share the same past as me, know that I am praying for you. Know that God loves you and wants you to come home to Him. He's waiting! Why are you?
But why? I've been working through a bible study called 'Surrendering the Secret'. It's for working through the trauma of being a post-abortive mother. Yes, that's me. For years I've carried around the burden of knowing that I refused one of the greatest gifts God has to offer - motherhood. I was afraid, scared, in a bad situtation, and I didn't see any other way out. I was capable, but weak. I was ashamed. I succumbed to the lies of the Evil One.
But I did try a little. Friends of mine found themselves in the same situation a few years before. They went to a clinic and were counseled about the truth of abortion - as a result, they chose life. I was too weak to make that choice alone, so I called a clinic and set up an appointment, thinking that I would be counseled, that my boyfriend would hear the truths and change his mind. I wanted to change my mind too, but I needed someone to help me do that. What I discovered was that not all clinics counsel you. Not all clinics show you the ultrasound or tell you how far along you are. I cried through the entire procedure, all the way home, and for months...and years afterwards. I had lost a child, lost an opportunity, lost my soul. I had sinned the greatest sin. How would I ever find redemption? Salvation felt out of reach. I was unworthy and unlovable.
I resigned to accept my fate. I had chosen abortion - my child died. I wasn't allowed to mourn for that loss because it had been my doing. The pieces of my soul dripped away from me and I became less like myself...less of what God intended for me.
But God is beyond all those things.
Over the years, God has persisted to convince me that He loves me. He set my husband in my life - who knows my secret and married me anyway. He has placed other post-abortive mothers in my life and together we have mourned our losses. The 'Surrendering the Secret' bible study is the culminating event for me. I've worked through much of my pain - or so I thought. But as I go through the pages of this study, I realized that there is more to heal, more scars that I didn't see before.
And as I worked through the pages, I became physically ill. I've been holding onto my grief like a security blanket. But it's time for me to move on. And so I say, "Good-bye, Grief. Take that, Despair! Here I come, Redemption!!!"
The joy I feel is unlike anything I've experienced. It was born on sin and raised on shame, but has finally been released to the God of All. He has made my tears of sorrows into diamonds of His good works. Through God, all things are possible. I never fully understood that before, but He has turned my pain into a mission through which I might be able to connect with other women like me; suffering under the burden of sin and shame. If you are a post-abortive mother like me, come out from under that shadow! Join me in God's light. It's scary and painful but wonderful. We need to go through the labor of birthing the pain of our abortion and we need good friends and husbands to coach us through.
If you share the same past as me, know that I am praying for you. Know that God loves you and wants you to come home to Him. He's waiting! Why are you?
Friday, October 2, 2009
Amazing!!!
Oh, the power of God! Last night at our bible study, we shared letters to a person who had hurt us. With the intention of not sending those letters, just using the act of writing them as a means to get out all the junk in our hearts; like 'cleaning the attic'. We wrote and read our letters, then ripped them to shreds. Writing my letter was theraputic and I felt healed afterwards. But it was the physical act of tearing it to shreds that I loved!
One woman sent her letter to the person who had hurt her. She saw it as an opportunity to heal the rift between her and her mother. She read her letter, but couldn't rip it up. She read from a copy of the letter; she wanted to keep it as proof of what she had written so nothing could come back to her misrepresented. It was obvious that her mother would try to twist her letter into an attack. After she shared her need to keep the letter, another member of the bible study shared some encouragement. She said that the letter was the 'evidence' she needed to prove to herself that she was not at fault - to protect herself from the harmful words and actions that might present themselves as a reaction to the letter.
Brilliant comparision! How often do we grip our own 'evidence' so tightly that we don't allow God to step in and heal us and the situation?
There was not a dry eye when that letter was torn up! I was filled with such joy for her! The simple act of destroying our letters lead to such healing. It was an act of giving our pain to God - He knows our hearts, He knows what we need. That letter represented our needs - written in our own hands. Now each of us knows that we have been forgiven, God has given us redemption.
I praise God for His love for me and for you!
One woman sent her letter to the person who had hurt her. She saw it as an opportunity to heal the rift between her and her mother. She read her letter, but couldn't rip it up. She read from a copy of the letter; she wanted to keep it as proof of what she had written so nothing could come back to her misrepresented. It was obvious that her mother would try to twist her letter into an attack. After she shared her need to keep the letter, another member of the bible study shared some encouragement. She said that the letter was the 'evidence' she needed to prove to herself that she was not at fault - to protect herself from the harmful words and actions that might present themselves as a reaction to the letter.
Brilliant comparision! How often do we grip our own 'evidence' so tightly that we don't allow God to step in and heal us and the situation?
There was not a dry eye when that letter was torn up! I was filled with such joy for her! The simple act of destroying our letters lead to such healing. It was an act of giving our pain to God - He knows our hearts, He knows what we need. That letter represented our needs - written in our own hands. Now each of us knows that we have been forgiven, God has given us redemption.
I praise God for His love for me and for you!
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Anger Can lead to Renewal
Part of my personal renewal has been a scourging of my past sins. Yes, scourging. It feels as difficult as that sounds. Renewal isn’t a happy little cap that is placed on my head; it’s not a t-shirt that reads “All is well, I’m not going to Hell”. Renewal for me has been like taking a wire brush to my skin and exfoliated until I was shiny pink and raw. Sounds wonderful, doesn’t it? [smile]
But after the crust of my sins had been scrubbed off and my skin had peeled and healed, I had new skin. Tough and thicker and fresh skin. Imagine the perfectly smooth and soft skin of a baby – that’s what it felt like. That everything was new and perfected. Sure, I thought I was fine with my old skin. It had served me well, hadn’t it? I looked happy and felt pretty good. But now, on the other side of my healing, the vision of looking back is 20/20. I can now see that my old life was not healthy. The lies I had been told and the lies I had been telling myself were band-aids covering the bigger issue.
My bible study tonight is dealing with anger. And surprisingly, I don’t want to go. Ug. Anger. Blah! I feel like I’ve already dealt with the anger issues. I don’t want to hear of other people’s sad anger stories. I’m in such a good place, why would I want to do that to myself? But, I realized, that is the old me talking. (Yes, she surfaces every now and then.) The purpose is to not rehash anger, but to give myself permission to feel that anger. I’ve been forgiven, and have forgiven myself. Now it’s time to help my sisters heal from their anger. Maybe I’ll discover that I still have some issues to deal with, but maybe I won’t. Either way, I’ll go. Either way, I’ll pray for the other women, find a glimmer of hope in their eyes.
My new self is trying to be positive. My new life is filled with healing and hope.
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